It is time for me...a better version of me!

***This post is more therapeutic for me, not sharing a funny story. I just need to clear my own head...read on if you wish.

 





Pretty cute kids, huh? Let me tell you what I see in this picture...I see me holding Megan in front of my belly, because if you can't see it, it doesn't exist right!?! I see a bright scarf, placed there to bring out the colors of my eyes and to hide my squishy cheeks. I see long sleeves covering my arms, because they are pale and flabby. Am I being hard on myself...maybe. But another thing I see in this picture...this picture is one of the very few pictures I have WITH my kids. On my phone, I have 700+ pictures, I am in about 5 of them, if that! I am done...DONE hiding from the camera.

For years, I have been working on trying to "not be squishy" and for years, I have failed. I know all the things I should do and I know all of the things I shouldn't do. But nothing has clicked. Am I lazy...no, hell no! Do I eat and eat and eat...no. Do I avoid vegetables...no. Did I gain a ton of weight when I was growing 2 new humans...yes! Let me be clear, I do not blame my squishiness on having kids. But I do know, that I did not follow the "standard" postpartum magic that everyone claims happens after having kids. I nursed 2 kids, for over a year and guess how many pounds I lost...NONE! Again, not blaming my kids, I am proud of what my body did, twice, but I am ready to not feel the way I do anymore.

I am ready to have my outside match how I feel inside. I am ready to be the athlete I once was. I was captain of my high school softball team (first base) I didn't get that title by being lazy. I LOVED softball! I spent the off season, running, lifting weights etc. just to be stronger for softball! I loved working out, I still do. I love working hard and sweating my butt off, but being a stay at home mom, my needs are on the bottom of the list. My JOB is to take care of my kids, to take care of the house and to get things done so my hubby doesn't have to stress about "home" stuff. ***That is the wrong way to look at it. My job is take care of my kids and my home, but my JOB is to take care of me! Because if I have "me time" I will have more energy, more patience and overall more happiness, which will make life stress free.

***I should mention that Mark is absolutely wonderful, he has never made me feel like I can't take time for me, I just haven't made "me time" a priority...until now.  

The way I feel wasn't brought on because someone said something to me or about me. It is just one of those things that I think all women/moms feel. We have all heard or even made comments about what other people look like, or what they should or should not be wearing. I have made comments or had thoughts about why bigger people wear certain things, but then I ALWAYS wonder...do people think this about me!?! Trust me I have no desire to wear short things or tight things, but I do want to feel confident, I do want to wear clothes and not hide behind them.

So what is my plan, my plan is to start with realistic goals and to end with realistic goals. Do I want to weigh what I did in high school...no. But do I want to weigh less than I do now...yes. My goals, from small to big, I want to stop my late night, the kids are sleeping, I can eat in peace "binge" I want to eat breakfast everyday, not just drink coffee and wait until lunch to eat. (Because when that happens, that is when I eat late at night because I get to eat 3 meals a day, right!?!) The big goal, I want to focus on being with my family, taking pictures of the memory and NOT worrying about if my squishiness will be forever captured in a horrendous picture.

Today, I signed up for an online fitness course. Have I done them before...yes. I did well, but it never stuck. You name the excuse, I used it. The course I am taking is run by a super busy, super supportive, down to Earth, Mom...of 7! So she has even more excuses than me, and yet, she has made herself a priority. I will learn from her and along with the other women of the group, I will get my confidence back. I have been following her ups and downs through her blog not-your-average-mom.com She is real, she is funny and she tells it how it is.  Have I met her in real life...no, but I feel like I have known her for years (weird, I know)

Now, have I shared too much and set myself up for huge failure...no. But what I did do, was take away any and all shame that I have ever felt about how I look.  So if you see me punching things into my phone, I will be logging what I eat. If you see me climbing steps at the ice arena, it is because I will be squeezing in a workout. And if you see me at the pool, I will be having fun with my kids. I have no shame, it took me years to get squishy, it will take time to get un-squishy. But I will get there...I will!